I'm not interested: The follow up

Last year I wrote a post entitled, "Sorry, I'm not interested" where I discuss why we shouldn't resort to lying about our relationship status in order to deter men from getting our numbers. Basically, the point that I was trying to make was that your relationship should not dictate whether or not you give your number out. You should decide that.

You are not spoken for

I also discuss how I tried it out and it totally backfired on me and completely turned me off from the process. I'll admit, I did on occasion use the "I'm taken" line and it obviously made guys back off (except one guy who insisted that "just because there's a goalie, doesn't mean I can't score"--Pfft)

For the most part it worked, but I was getting tired of it. I hated feeling "owned" by someone. I hated the idea of having an "excuse" for not being interested. I was afraid that by saying no, I would be hurting this guy's feeling and so I tried sugarcoating it. However, in the process of it all, I was doing myself a disservice. It deprived me of a voice. Of an opinion. Of a choice.

So what did I do? 

I decided to try it again. 

A really nice dude struck up a conversation with me about cell phones and eventually asked me for my number so that we can go out for coffee sometime. I smiled, thanked him for the offer but told him that I don't give my number out. He persisted, but I held my ground. Eventually, he got the message, wished me a good day and went on his way.

I cannot tell you how empowered I felt. It actually worked and I didn't feel bad about it. I didn't even feel compelled to give him a fake number. If you really think about it, this shows the guy respect too. Imagine giving him a fake number and he goes home only to find out that he's been bamboozled. How would he feel? It takes a lot of courage to ask someone for their number (why do you think I've never done it?!). But, by being honest, you can have a nice, civilized, mature conversation. If he acts like a total jerk about it, then you should be glad that you didn't give him your number because he clearly doesn't deserve it. You did yourself a service by dodging that bullet.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that don't be like me and deprive yourself of a voice. If you're not interested, politely tell him. Prove to yourself that you have confidence in your decision and that you demand respect for your choice. Fake boyfriend or not, you owe yourself that much.

 That is what you should be interested in.

I want a stable guy. Is that wrong?

In the animal kingdom, the male’s role is to impregnate as many females as possible in order to ensure that his genes are passed on to the next generation.  It’s easy for him to do so because it only takes a few minutes for him to get his business done. He’s in and out and on to the next one.

Females, on the other hand, are picky. Having a baby isn’t easy so she has to pick a partner who has good genes and is likely to take care of the offspring with her. The strong, alpha male is usually the one that wins out. Besides, who wouldn’t want the alpha male? He’s strong, smart, has resources, can protect you and can take care of you and his kids. She’s spending all this time and resources in creating his kid, it’s the least he can do.

Now, this works well in the animal kingdom, and it definitely is applicable in human courting patterns too. But, in a time where women are working towards independence and are all “I don’t have to rely on a man”, am I being hypocritical in wanting a man who is stable?

What do I mean by stable?  I need a man who can keep a job, shares similar family values, is ambitious and doesn’t bum around. I want these things, not because I’m trying to mooch off of his gains, but because I want the same things for myself. Being with someone who has these values as I do means that I will always be trying to improve myself as well. But does this mean that I’m using him for my own gain? I want to say no, because at the end of the day, I still love the guy for who he is at the core. I didn’t even think me wanting a stable guy was a bad thing until I overheard a conversation between these two people.

Girl: You never have time for me anymore. You’re always so busy with work and school

Guy: You should have fallen in love with me when I was not doing anything. I would have a lot of time for you. But you chose to fall in love with me when I’m trying to make something out of myself. Not seeing me often comes with the territory of being with me.

Girl: Well, I probably wouldn’t be interested in you if you were bumming around anyway

Guy: Of course not. You wouldn’t find anything to love.

It got me thinking. Would I be interested in my own partner if I thought he was going to be bumming around for the rest of our life together? As bad as it sounds, (or does it?) probably not. It’s unattractive, but it’s not because he’s not bringing home the bacon. It means that no matter how much I love him as a person, if we’re not on the same page in where our values are, then we’re just not going to work out. I can’t value hard work, ambition, confidence and independence for myself and be with someone who doesn’t want the same things for himself.

Anyways, I guess what I’m trying to say here is that there is nothing wrong with you wanting a man with a job. As long as he wakes up every day with a purpose in life. It doesn’t make you a gold digger, a moocher, or any less independent. It just means that you expect the same out of him that you expect from yourself.

And there’s nothing wrong with that…