I'm not interested: The follow up

Last year I wrote a post entitled, "Sorry, I'm not interested" where I discuss why we shouldn't resort to lying about our relationship status in order to deter men from getting our numbers. Basically, the point that I was trying to make was that your relationship should not dictate whether or not you give your number out. You should decide that.

You are not spoken for

I also discuss how I tried it out and it totally backfired on me and completely turned me off from the process. I'll admit, I did on occasion use the "I'm taken" line and it obviously made guys back off (except one guy who insisted that "just because there's a goalie, doesn't mean I can't score"--Pfft)

For the most part it worked, but I was getting tired of it. I hated feeling "owned" by someone. I hated the idea of having an "excuse" for not being interested. I was afraid that by saying no, I would be hurting this guy's feeling and so I tried sugarcoating it. However, in the process of it all, I was doing myself a disservice. It deprived me of a voice. Of an opinion. Of a choice.

So what did I do? 

I decided to try it again. 

A really nice dude struck up a conversation with me about cell phones and eventually asked me for my number so that we can go out for coffee sometime. I smiled, thanked him for the offer but told him that I don't give my number out. He persisted, but I held my ground. Eventually, he got the message, wished me a good day and went on his way.

I cannot tell you how empowered I felt. It actually worked and I didn't feel bad about it. I didn't even feel compelled to give him a fake number. If you really think about it, this shows the guy respect too. Imagine giving him a fake number and he goes home only to find out that he's been bamboozled. How would he feel? It takes a lot of courage to ask someone for their number (why do you think I've never done it?!). But, by being honest, you can have a nice, civilized, mature conversation. If he acts like a total jerk about it, then you should be glad that you didn't give him your number because he clearly doesn't deserve it. You did yourself a service by dodging that bullet.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that don't be like me and deprive yourself of a voice. If you're not interested, politely tell him. Prove to yourself that you have confidence in your decision and that you demand respect for your choice. Fake boyfriend or not, you owe yourself that much.

 That is what you should be interested in.

I want a stable guy. Is that wrong?

In the animal kingdom, the male’s role is to impregnate as many females as possible in order to ensure that his genes are passed on to the next generation.  It’s easy for him to do so because it only takes a few minutes for him to get his business done. He’s in and out and on to the next one.

Females, on the other hand, are picky. Having a baby isn’t easy so she has to pick a partner who has good genes and is likely to take care of the offspring with her. The strong, alpha male is usually the one that wins out. Besides, who wouldn’t want the alpha male? He’s strong, smart, has resources, can protect you and can take care of you and his kids. She’s spending all this time and resources in creating his kid, it’s the least he can do.

Now, this works well in the animal kingdom, and it definitely is applicable in human courting patterns too. But, in a time where women are working towards independence and are all “I don’t have to rely on a man”, am I being hypocritical in wanting a man who is stable?

What do I mean by stable?  I need a man who can keep a job, shares similar family values, is ambitious and doesn’t bum around. I want these things, not because I’m trying to mooch off of his gains, but because I want the same things for myself. Being with someone who has these values as I do means that I will always be trying to improve myself as well. But does this mean that I’m using him for my own gain? I want to say no, because at the end of the day, I still love the guy for who he is at the core. I didn’t even think me wanting a stable guy was a bad thing until I overheard a conversation between these two people.

Girl: You never have time for me anymore. You’re always so busy with work and school

Guy: You should have fallen in love with me when I was not doing anything. I would have a lot of time for you. But you chose to fall in love with me when I’m trying to make something out of myself. Not seeing me often comes with the territory of being with me.

Girl: Well, I probably wouldn’t be interested in you if you were bumming around anyway

Guy: Of course not. You wouldn’t find anything to love.

It got me thinking. Would I be interested in my own partner if I thought he was going to be bumming around for the rest of our life together? As bad as it sounds, (or does it?) probably not. It’s unattractive, but it’s not because he’s not bringing home the bacon. It means that no matter how much I love him as a person, if we’re not on the same page in where our values are, then we’re just not going to work out. I can’t value hard work, ambition, confidence and independence for myself and be with someone who doesn’t want the same things for himself.

Anyways, I guess what I’m trying to say here is that there is nothing wrong with you wanting a man with a job. As long as he wakes up every day with a purpose in life. It doesn’t make you a gold digger, a moocher, or any less independent. It just means that you expect the same out of him that you expect from yourself.

And there’s nothing wrong with that…

Sorry, I'm not interested

A few months ago, I came across this article, "Stop Saying "I have a boyfriend" to deflect unwanted attention." and it really spoke to me. For a few years now, if any male showed me any indication that he was interested in me, I was very quick to play the boyfriend card... even if I didn't have a boyfriend at the time. To me, it was convenient. It seemed like a win-win situation: No one's feelings got hurt and there's no awkwardness on the guy's end (or so I assume). BUT, after reading this article, I see why this is a big problem.

First of all, saying that I have a boyfriend shouldn't really mean a thing. So what if I have a boyfriend? If I were to remove my boyfriend out of the equation, does that mean that I would suddenly be interested in you? Nope.

What happens if I'm in a relationship with someone and you happen to pique my interest? Am I going ditch the oppourtunity to try you out because I have a man? Nope. [I'm not implying cheating here but if you're just having fun and not in a serious relationship, then why not? Be sure to tell your partner first.]

Telling a guy that I have a boyfriend shows him that 1) I don't have any control over the situation and 2) I kinda dig you but having a man prevents me from pursuing any kind of relationship with you. These two messages are probably not even right to begin with.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that your decision to reject a guy is independent of the fact that you have a boyfriend. You're rejecting the guy simply because you're not interested in having a relationship with him. Period. And, of course, this applies to guys as well. If you're not interested in starting anything with her, tell her. 

So, with that in mind, I decided to try it out. I told myself that I was going to throw the "I'm not interested" line on the next guy that asks me my number. 

So picture this. 

I work at a private counselling agency and I get somewhat chummy with my clients. It's my style of counselling and I find that it helps more times than not. So anyways, I get chummy with this client.. Richard (Obviously not his real name but we'll call him that because everyone knows that the nickname for Richard is Dick). So Richard's next appointment is coming up and I usually call clients ahead of time to confirm their attendance. I call up Richard and let him know that he has an appointment tomorrow and was wondering if he would be able to make it. He says no and that he has to re-schedule. As I'm trying to accommodate him into the schedule, he starts putting on the moves and casually asks me for my number. I then (kindly, if I may add) told him that that was sweet and thanked him for the compliments, but then let him know that that was not going to happen. He sounded a little surprised (Richard disclosed to me in counselling that no one has ever rejected him) and asked me why. My feminist, empowered brain kicked into high gear and I remembered the article and proudly said the three words that I vowed to use: I'm not interested.

Oh hell, did that backfire.

Following my courageous words was the longest awkward silence. I felt triumphant up until the silence was broken with Richard laughing and saying, "Oh wow, this must be really embarrassing for you. I did not mean it like that."

Excuse me? Why else are you trying to get my number? You trying to sell me car insurance or something? 

How did he turn this around and embarrass me? Like I said something wrong. Telling guys that you're not interested may be the right thing to do in theory, but hella hard when putting it into practice. 

People, don't make this harder than it is. If someone is not interested in you, then it is what it is. Move on. End of the day, it comes down to respect. If you don't respect my wishes, you sure as hell won't respect me as a partner. 

Don't be a Richard about it

There she is, Miss America

This week I watched a brilliant video by John Oliver as he takes an intellectual/satirical approach to dissecting beauty pageants. Growing up, I've never really been a fan of watching these pageants, and quite frankly, I hated the fact that they always interrupted whatever show that was previously programmed to air. Rude. How could they move aside the Simpsons for this?

These days though, I find that I still don't like pageants...but for other reasons. All in all, you're probably going to get a biased opinion here. For the sake of research, I wanted to sit through the pageant and really absorb what it's about, but to be honest, I can barely sit through 10 minutes of it. I really don't see the point of it. Women dress up, look pretty, walk up and down a run way and are evaluated on... beauty? How well they can walk in a straight line? How well they matched their bikini to their lipstick? How well they can answer a question in 20 seconds? 

From what I've heard and in what I've seen, my understanding of pageants is that it's a competition and that there's some prize money associated with it. I have no quarrels with this. I like a little competition as much as the next person. Throw some prize money in there and you got a deal. Hell, you're talking to Miss "sits around the radio waiting to be caller number 9 so I can win some random prize" over here. However, what I do find annoying is the emptiness of the competition. 

Again, what am I being evaluated on? I went on the Miss America website and found this:

Finals Competition Scoring

The scoring for the Miss America Finals Competition is weighted accordingly:

Composite Score- 30% (Top 16)

Lifestyle and Fitness in Swimsuit - 20% (Top 16)

Evening Wear- 20% (Top 10)

Talent- 30% (Top 8)

On Stage Question (Top 8)

Final Ballot

Source: http://www.missamerica.org/news/press-kit/national-judging-process.aspx

Here's what I have a problem with: 

1) Lifestyle and Fitness in Swimsuit:

Ok, so you look great in a swim suit. You must have worked really hard to get there. I'm not even being sarcastic . Anyone who has ever been to a gym religiously knows how hard it is to maintain a nice body so koodos to you for sticking to your guns and achieving it. But, so what? You have a nice body. Great. Now what? Why is your body shape so important that it has to be rated? Why do I care what kind of body you have? 

What's the criteria here anyway? Are we looking at size ratios? Are we looking to see if you have a thigh gap? flat stomach? muffin top?  How can anyone standardize the definition of a beautiful body? What does a beautiful body even look like?

2) Evening wear:

What are we really judging here? Your taste in dresses? How well you can pull off a dress? What happens if you pick out a hideous dress? Do we blame the dress for your low score? It's the dress' fault that you didn't win Miss America? Why is this category even relevant? So many questions.

3) On stage Question:

What are we really proving here? How well someone can answer a question in 20 seconds? John Oliver says it best in that even the president cannot come up with an answer that quickly. By the way, did anyone actually notice that the contestants are not even evaluated on their answers? There's no weighted value associated with it. So basically, you can have a kick ass solution to world hunger, but it doesn't count towards anything.

Besides, I'm no expert on the matter, but I've never actually seen Miss America (or any other pageant winner) acting on any of the things that they claim they would do. I feel that they just tell us what we want to hear and pretend like these are the issues that really matter to them.

Overall, I believe that pageants are designed to showcase outer beauty. I'm not saying that outer beauty isn't important, but that there is more to an individual than how he or she presents themselves. I thought that the question and answer portion of the competition was the most bearable because it provides an opportunity to pick out their brains but, as you can see, it doesn't even matter in the end. It barely has any weight in the outcome. Why aren't we praising people for their intellect or their achievement? Why are we not showcasing women who think outside the box in order to make a difference in the world? Why are we so hung up in finding women in bikinis and evening gowns attractive and not women in lab coats? When was the last time your regular programming was interrupted for the Nobel Prize Award Ceremonies? Think about THAT.

I seriously recommend watching the full video...

The 100th Problem

The 100th Problem

If you know me well, you would know that I love 9GAG and memes. Within a few minutes of scrolling through the website, I am up to date with current events, impending world wars, viral outbreaks, latest trends and celebrity gossip. Hell, I already know what the weather is like outside without looking out the window. Chances are, someone has already made a post about it. With that said, I consider 9GAG and any other similar site as a social thermometer. 9GAG gives me an idea of how society views and perceives issues. I see it as a social study that helps me see where society stands on certain topics that are not otherwise discussed at length. One such topic is male abuse.

Remember when TMZ leaked video footage of Jay-Z being beat down by his sister-in-law, Solange Knowles, after the Met Gala? I don’t know about you, but that footage was jaw-dropping scary. I wasn’t aware of the incident until these started popping up on my 9GAG…

 

Yes, they were funny. I would be lying if I said I didn’t laugh. But seriously though, male abuse is no laughing  matter. Let me be clear here. Abuse is abuse, whether it is done by a man or woman. But, it seems to me that male abuse is one of society’s best kept secrets.

According to a national survey conducted in 2013, roughly 25% of male Canadians suffer from some type of domestic abuse. I, however, suspect that this statistic is much higher. Most male abuse is unreported as men are usually ashamed of admitting that their female partner is abusive. It’s not just phyiscal abuse we’re talking about either. It’s also emotional, psychological, financial and isolation abuse.

I don’t blame men for not admiting to others that their partner abuses them. Just look at all the ridicule that Jay-Z suffered on 9GAG. Remember that society paints a picture of how men and women are expected to behave. Men are supposed to be strong and macho. Women are supposed to be kind and nurturing. So when a dainty woman is fly kicking a big, muscular, macho man, everyone’s cracking jokes and questioning his “manhood” . Flip the scenario the other way around in which the man beats up the woman and suddenly everyones crossing their arms and are thinking that he should have known better.

Other than a few comments on the posting, I barely saw any posts that condemn Solange for her actions. If anything, I encountered justifications for her behaviour.

“Solange suspected Jay-Z of cheating”

“Jay-Z had made a move on Solange”

“Jay-Z had insulted Solange”

They almost exonerate her for her actions! All these comments take away Solange’s responsibilty and role in the abuse and continue to make Jay-Z the bad guy. Why does he have to be ashamed when he allegedly didn’t do anything? What kind of message are we sending to society, especially males, when we ridicule Jay-Z? We’re saying that if your woman, or any woman for that matter, abuses you, it’s probably your fault and you should man up and take it.

Uhhh…..no.

What needs to change is the idea that abuse is abuse, regardless of who is delivering it and in what form. That’s the bottom line. It hurts and we won’t stand by it. It’s up to us to accept that abuse can happen to anyone. Rather than mocking someone for their experiences, be empathetic towards them. Lend them an open, non-judgmental ear.  It might make all the difference in their life. Solve their 100th problem

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“From the Sidelines” is the section of the blog where I post links/ information about the pop culture references or resources I may have used in today’s post.

TMZ Video Footage of the infamous Solange vs. Jay-Z

http://www.tmz.com/videos/0_6lrpg6kh/

Jay-Z's 99 Problems

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwoM5fLITfk

Solange's Losing you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hy9W_mrY_Vk

9GAG

 www.9gag.com 

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Pulling Teeth

Artist: Green Day

Album: Dookie (1994)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3R7qASk6dg

Let me know if you find any other songs that are remotely related to male abuse! I'm curious to see what's out there

Mean Girls

Mean Girls

If you’ve ever watched Mean Girls, you would know that girls can be quite cruel. I’m no exception. I’ve had my fair share of experiences with a burnbook, a permanent position at the rumor mill, and have been caught in the middle of several non-sensible girl dramas.  As much as I would hate to admit it, I was quite proud of my burnbook… although I never called it that. I would describe what went in it, but I won’t because 1) This is the god damn Internet and the girl(s) I tortured could figure out that I was writing about them and 2) the idea is pretty genius and I don’t want to inject my cruel idea into the minds of a young girls. Besides, in this day and age, I’m sure someone out there has already devised something much unkinder.

Knowing how cruel girls can be through my experiences as both a victim and torturer, I resolved to only make friends with males. I felt that males were so much easier to talk to. They didn’t judge the outfit I had on, they were more likely to tell me the cold hard truth, better wing men (not that I would need the help ;) ) and better confidantes. I have never known a guy to spill my secrets. Tell a woman the same secret and forget about it. It’ll be plastered on the front page of the Toronto Star the next morning.

I’m not the only one who thinks this way. Many women share the same opinion. So much so that author Roxanne Gay dedicated a whole chapter in her book, “Bad Feminist” on female friendships and why it’s important to maintain them. Gay reminds us that there’s a cultural myth that female friendships are “bitchy, toxic and/or competitive” This may be true of some (unhealthy) friendships but this is not its defining characteristic.

Ladies, think about the good friendships you do have. How many of you can say that you can replicate the same feelings you have with your girlfriends with your male friends? Think about all the times you’ve cried laughing with your girlfriends while watching Legally Blonde for the 100^th time.  How many times you’ve shared in each other’s pain through menstrual cramps? How many times have you and your girlfriends binged on chocolate thanks to your cravings? Who came shopping with you for an outfit, only to come out empty handed several hours later? Who was there for you to vent to after you’ve had a bad date? Who can understand you better after a grueling workweek with your horrible boss? There are so many things that you can have with a female friendship that male friendships can’t offer… and realizing this is important.

As feminists, how can we hold equality close to our hearts if we, ourselves, exclude females from our circle of friends?  How can we fight for equality if we don’t treat each other as our own equals?  Gay reminds us to abandon the cultural myth that all female friendships are poisonous. It slows women down. Don’t let a few bad seeds ruin your image of the female friendship. To quote Gay, “ If you feel like it’s hard to be friends with women, consider that maybe women aren’t the problem. Maybe it’s just you."

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“From the Sidelines” is the section of the blog where I post links/ information about the pop culture references or resources I may have used in today’s post.

Bad Feminist by Roxane Gay ISBN- 978-0-06-228271-2

Mean Girls-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sR528E5_8yI

Legally Blonde- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aba_Om2NPLc

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Wannabe

Artist: Spice Girls

Album: Spice

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJLIiF15wjQ

Cookie Cutter Feminism

Cookie Cutter Feminism: It doesn’t exist

We can’t all be the same kind of feminist

Like I’ve mentioned before, I took a gender studies elective in school. Here, we were exposed to several feminist theories that emerged over time as a result of the yesteryears. After learning about a handful of theories, three stood out to me:

1.    Liberal feminism: these feminists believe that even though women are biologically different, they are still human and therefore should be treated equal in all aspects of life. Liberal feminists aim to put women in the work force in such a way that there is no discrimination in gender. Here, women are encouraged to personify male qualities, such as aggressiveness and power, to succeed in the workplace. Think Jessica Pearson from Suits. She would do liberal feminists proud.

2.     Radical feminism: the notion that men and women are different, but equal. Emphasis in this theory is put on qualities that make women unique as a way to empower women. Such qualities include nurturance, empathy and compassion.

3.     Psychoanalytical feminism: women and men are forced into their gender roles due to the influence of society. The primary belief is that gender is not biologically determined but a role we play as a result of what society expects of us.  It’s something that we are taught as children, adopt, and share with the next generation.

Being a young, ambitious woman in a competitive world, I was mostly drawn to liberal feminism. It seemed like a perfect fit for my personality and I believed that this was the most obvious way to progress in the world as a female.  This idea encouraged me to adopt a ruthless feminist mentality that turned out to be very wrong. I think at that point, I took feminism to an extreme. In my mind, a forward thinking woman/modern woman/ woman exercising her female rights was someone who:

ü  Was dedicated to her education and/or career- she puts her career first before anything else

ü  Postponed having children because she needs to live her life to the fullest before giving up her life for someone else

ü  Did not need the support of a man because she’s Ms. Independent and she can do it all on her own

ü  Had strong and like-minded friends who she meets after work for drinks to talk about how successful she is doing in a ‘mans world’. If you’ve ever watched Lipstick Jungle, you would know what I’m talking about. (Side note: that show is totally underrated. Definitely check it out)

Women who didn’t fit this mould were, to me, anti-feminists and were wasting their female power. I was so snobby that I looked down on women who chose to be housewives despite their education. Hello! Do you not have dreams and ambitions? Why are you wasting your life taking care of a man when you can develop a successful career for yourself? You’re setting back the feminist movement!

…God, I was such a jerk

This line of thinking is totally wrong. Cruel even. Who am I to judge how you run your life? Who am I to determine your goals and ambitions? What really hit it home for me was when I started thinking about the psychoanalytical approach to feminism.  To reiterate, these feminists believe that society dictates the roles of males and females. We learn in childhood to identify traits as either masculine or feminine simply by watching our parents.  These early childhood experiences lead to gender inequality. Think about it. How many times have you heard someone (most likely a man, but I’ve heard women say it too) that women belong in the kitchen? I bet you would be less likely to believe that if you grew up watching your dad cook your meals.

Anyways, the point I’m getting at is this: if a psychoanalytically influenced feminist is fighting to strip away societal expectations for women, why are feminists fighting to reinvent new expectations for women? Why am I, a feminist at heart, telling women how to be a woman? Isn’t that exactly what psychoanalytical feminists were fighting against? I was asking women to make a shift from one kind of female to another... and that is wrong. What makes me any different from the society forcing down their expectation of women?

Ladies, you have the power and freedom to choose what type of woman you want to be. You can choose to be a career woman or a stay at home mom. That’s your choice. Embrace it. Own it. Live it. Just make sure that you strive to be the best in your chosen field. If I can tell past me about the folly of my old line of thinking, I would tell her, 

“Give these women a break! You call yourself a feminist yet you’re against women! Calm yourself, yah hypocrite.”

On that note... why are women so mean to each other? We can't fight for equality if we're busy pulling at each other's hair. Get it together, girls!

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“From the Sidelines” is the section of the blog where I post links/ information about the pop culture references or resources I may have used in today’s post.

For more information on feminist theories, I recommend “Gender Inequality: Feminist theories and politics” by Judith Lorber. ISBN: 978-0-19-537522-0

Jessica Pearson (Gina Torres)- This was the best I can find:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYSmydABcFQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azS90dTrXCE

 Lipstick Jungle- again, this is the best I can find:

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q08dDGfqKLg

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Man! I Feel Like A Woman

Artist: Shania Twain

Album:Come On Over (1999)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJL4UGSbeFg