Sorry, I'm not interested

A few months ago, I came across this article, "Stop Saying "I have a boyfriend" to deflect unwanted attention." and it really spoke to me. For a few years now, if any male showed me any indication that he was interested in me, I was very quick to play the boyfriend card... even if I didn't have a boyfriend at the time. To me, it was convenient. It seemed like a win-win situation: No one's feelings got hurt and there's no awkwardness on the guy's end (or so I assume). BUT, after reading this article, I see why this is a big problem.

First of all, saying that I have a boyfriend shouldn't really mean a thing. So what if I have a boyfriend? If I were to remove my boyfriend out of the equation, does that mean that I would suddenly be interested in you? Nope.

What happens if I'm in a relationship with someone and you happen to pique my interest? Am I going ditch the oppourtunity to try you out because I have a man? Nope. [I'm not implying cheating here but if you're just having fun and not in a serious relationship, then why not? Be sure to tell your partner first.]

Telling a guy that I have a boyfriend shows him that 1) I don't have any control over the situation and 2) I kinda dig you but having a man prevents me from pursuing any kind of relationship with you. These two messages are probably not even right to begin with.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that your decision to reject a guy is independent of the fact that you have a boyfriend. You're rejecting the guy simply because you're not interested in having a relationship with him. Period. And, of course, this applies to guys as well. If you're not interested in starting anything with her, tell her. 

So, with that in mind, I decided to try it out. I told myself that I was going to throw the "I'm not interested" line on the next guy that asks me my number. 

So picture this. 

I work at a private counselling agency and I get somewhat chummy with my clients. It's my style of counselling and I find that it helps more times than not. So anyways, I get chummy with this client.. Richard (Obviously not his real name but we'll call him that because everyone knows that the nickname for Richard is Dick). So Richard's next appointment is coming up and I usually call clients ahead of time to confirm their attendance. I call up Richard and let him know that he has an appointment tomorrow and was wondering if he would be able to make it. He says no and that he has to re-schedule. As I'm trying to accommodate him into the schedule, he starts putting on the moves and casually asks me for my number. I then (kindly, if I may add) told him that that was sweet and thanked him for the compliments, but then let him know that that was not going to happen. He sounded a little surprised (Richard disclosed to me in counselling that no one has ever rejected him) and asked me why. My feminist, empowered brain kicked into high gear and I remembered the article and proudly said the three words that I vowed to use: I'm not interested.

Oh hell, did that backfire.

Following my courageous words was the longest awkward silence. I felt triumphant up until the silence was broken with Richard laughing and saying, "Oh wow, this must be really embarrassing for you. I did not mean it like that."

Excuse me? Why else are you trying to get my number? You trying to sell me car insurance or something? 

How did he turn this around and embarrass me? Like I said something wrong. Telling guys that you're not interested may be the right thing to do in theory, but hella hard when putting it into practice. 

People, don't make this harder than it is. If someone is not interested in you, then it is what it is. Move on. End of the day, it comes down to respect. If you don't respect my wishes, you sure as hell won't respect me as a partner. 

Don't be a Richard about it

Cookie Cutter Feminism

Cookie Cutter Feminism: It doesn’t exist

We can’t all be the same kind of feminist

Like I’ve mentioned before, I took a gender studies elective in school. Here, we were exposed to several feminist theories that emerged over time as a result of the yesteryears. After learning about a handful of theories, three stood out to me:

1.    Liberal feminism: these feminists believe that even though women are biologically different, they are still human and therefore should be treated equal in all aspects of life. Liberal feminists aim to put women in the work force in such a way that there is no discrimination in gender. Here, women are encouraged to personify male qualities, such as aggressiveness and power, to succeed in the workplace. Think Jessica Pearson from Suits. She would do liberal feminists proud.

2.     Radical feminism: the notion that men and women are different, but equal. Emphasis in this theory is put on qualities that make women unique as a way to empower women. Such qualities include nurturance, empathy and compassion.

3.     Psychoanalytical feminism: women and men are forced into their gender roles due to the influence of society. The primary belief is that gender is not biologically determined but a role we play as a result of what society expects of us.  It’s something that we are taught as children, adopt, and share with the next generation.

Being a young, ambitious woman in a competitive world, I was mostly drawn to liberal feminism. It seemed like a perfect fit for my personality and I believed that this was the most obvious way to progress in the world as a female.  This idea encouraged me to adopt a ruthless feminist mentality that turned out to be very wrong. I think at that point, I took feminism to an extreme. In my mind, a forward thinking woman/modern woman/ woman exercising her female rights was someone who:

ü  Was dedicated to her education and/or career- she puts her career first before anything else

ü  Postponed having children because she needs to live her life to the fullest before giving up her life for someone else

ü  Did not need the support of a man because she’s Ms. Independent and she can do it all on her own

ü  Had strong and like-minded friends who she meets after work for drinks to talk about how successful she is doing in a ‘mans world’. If you’ve ever watched Lipstick Jungle, you would know what I’m talking about. (Side note: that show is totally underrated. Definitely check it out)

Women who didn’t fit this mould were, to me, anti-feminists and were wasting their female power. I was so snobby that I looked down on women who chose to be housewives despite their education. Hello! Do you not have dreams and ambitions? Why are you wasting your life taking care of a man when you can develop a successful career for yourself? You’re setting back the feminist movement!

…God, I was such a jerk

This line of thinking is totally wrong. Cruel even. Who am I to judge how you run your life? Who am I to determine your goals and ambitions? What really hit it home for me was when I started thinking about the psychoanalytical approach to feminism.  To reiterate, these feminists believe that society dictates the roles of males and females. We learn in childhood to identify traits as either masculine or feminine simply by watching our parents.  These early childhood experiences lead to gender inequality. Think about it. How many times have you heard someone (most likely a man, but I’ve heard women say it too) that women belong in the kitchen? I bet you would be less likely to believe that if you grew up watching your dad cook your meals.

Anyways, the point I’m getting at is this: if a psychoanalytically influenced feminist is fighting to strip away societal expectations for women, why are feminists fighting to reinvent new expectations for women? Why am I, a feminist at heart, telling women how to be a woman? Isn’t that exactly what psychoanalytical feminists were fighting against? I was asking women to make a shift from one kind of female to another... and that is wrong. What makes me any different from the society forcing down their expectation of women?

Ladies, you have the power and freedom to choose what type of woman you want to be. You can choose to be a career woman or a stay at home mom. That’s your choice. Embrace it. Own it. Live it. Just make sure that you strive to be the best in your chosen field. If I can tell past me about the folly of my old line of thinking, I would tell her, 

“Give these women a break! You call yourself a feminist yet you’re against women! Calm yourself, yah hypocrite.”

On that note... why are women so mean to each other? We can't fight for equality if we're busy pulling at each other's hair. Get it together, girls!

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“From the Sidelines” is the section of the blog where I post links/ information about the pop culture references or resources I may have used in today’s post.

For more information on feminist theories, I recommend “Gender Inequality: Feminist theories and politics” by Judith Lorber. ISBN: 978-0-19-537522-0

Jessica Pearson (Gina Torres)- This was the best I can find:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYSmydABcFQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azS90dTrXCE

 Lipstick Jungle- again, this is the best I can find:

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q08dDGfqKLg

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Man! I Feel Like A Woman

Artist: Shania Twain

Album:Come On Over (1999)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJL4UGSbeFg

I was told there would be bra-burning

I was told there would be bra-burning...

Thinking back, when anyone talked about feminism, the only picture that entered my mind was an old, heavy, wrinkly woman wearing a full-sleeved shirt, ankle length skirt, and a scarf around her head with her fist clenched in the air. Essentially, I was picturing an oppressed woman during the time of suffrage. Over time, my image of a feminist morphed into a man-hating, bra-burning, hairy-legged hippie. In all cases, my opinion of a feminist was a negative one. Why are these women giving all women a bad name? Why can’t they just go with the flow and just get along with everyone? Hello, it’s called patriarchy for a reason. I’m sure most of you out there have similar, if not variations of my previous image. It’s images like these, and lack of education, that give feminists a bad name, and quite frankly, a small fan base.

Feminism was not on my radar until my third year of university. My school was offering a course on gender studies and I was looking for an easy A to fill in my transcript. Gender studies seemed to be the perfect fit. Like, c’mon, I’m a woman. It pretty much meant that I met the pre-requisite and all I really had to do was voice my opinion and voila, off with my A I go. I was wrong….well, not quite. I did end the course with a solid A-

But that’s not all I received. The course had taught me about the small injustices we face as a group, and how these are still prevalent in, what we claim to be, a modern and progressive world. 

I don’t want to give too much away within this first post. What’s the fun in that? But for now, let me just scratch the surface in terms of what is expected and not expected in this blog series (that I hope that I’ll actually maintain…I’ve had several failed ones)

What NOT to expect:

1.     An old, heavy, wrinkly woman wearing a full-sleeved blouse, ankle length skirt, and a scarf around her head with her fist clenched in the air

2.     Man-hating: Trust me, I love men.

3.     Talk of equal pay. This subject is so over-debated, I can't even deal anymore.

What to expect:

1.     My forever evolving feminist identity

2.     Feminism that comes in different forms and how there's a type of feminism for everyone

3.     Why we should consider equality, rather than female superiority

4.     Women that I look up to, feminist or not

5.     Learning that women can be scumbags too

I guess the main point of the blog is to shatter the typical idea of what a feminist/ feminism is. When I tell my male friends that I’m a feminist, they cringe and prepare for a fight because they think I’m about to explain why men are the scum of the Earth. This isn’t what feminism is about.

Chimamanda Adichie says it best:

“Feminist: the person who believes in the social, political and economic equality of the sexes.”

You hear that, people? The SEXES. It didn’t say “..of women”. It says sexes. That’s right boys, that includes you too.

BUT. This is just one-way of looking at it…let me show you the others.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Today’s feature song:

***Flawless

Artist: Beyoncé Knowles feat. Chimamanda Adichie

Album: BEYONCE

YouTube Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jm3D3D-xSKE