I'm not interested: The follow up

Last year I wrote a post entitled, "Sorry, I'm not interested" where I discuss why we shouldn't resort to lying about our relationship status in order to deter men from getting our numbers. Basically, the point that I was trying to make was that your relationship should not dictate whether or not you give your number out. You should decide that.

You are not spoken for

I also discuss how I tried it out and it totally backfired on me and completely turned me off from the process. I'll admit, I did on occasion use the "I'm taken" line and it obviously made guys back off (except one guy who insisted that "just because there's a goalie, doesn't mean I can't score"--Pfft)

For the most part it worked, but I was getting tired of it. I hated feeling "owned" by someone. I hated the idea of having an "excuse" for not being interested. I was afraid that by saying no, I would be hurting this guy's feeling and so I tried sugarcoating it. However, in the process of it all, I was doing myself a disservice. It deprived me of a voice. Of an opinion. Of a choice.

So what did I do? 

I decided to try it again. 

A really nice dude struck up a conversation with me about cell phones and eventually asked me for my number so that we can go out for coffee sometime. I smiled, thanked him for the offer but told him that I don't give my number out. He persisted, but I held my ground. Eventually, he got the message, wished me a good day and went on his way.

I cannot tell you how empowered I felt. It actually worked and I didn't feel bad about it. I didn't even feel compelled to give him a fake number. If you really think about it, this shows the guy respect too. Imagine giving him a fake number and he goes home only to find out that he's been bamboozled. How would he feel? It takes a lot of courage to ask someone for their number (why do you think I've never done it?!). But, by being honest, you can have a nice, civilized, mature conversation. If he acts like a total jerk about it, then you should be glad that you didn't give him your number because he clearly doesn't deserve it. You did yourself a service by dodging that bullet.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that don't be like me and deprive yourself of a voice. If you're not interested, politely tell him. Prove to yourself that you have confidence in your decision and that you demand respect for your choice. Fake boyfriend or not, you owe yourself that much.

 That is what you should be interested in.

The NO NO List

Every so often I run into a newly broken up individual who is at wits end with the dating game. At this point, they're ready to give up on relationships all together and wonder why none of their relationships ever work out. This is where I introduce to them the no-no list. Now, I'm not saying that I'm a love guru or anything, but I do know a thing or two about relationships [Five years and counting ;) ]

I've never really been in the dating game because my partner and I have been together since my teenage years, but I think that I got it right the first time around because I knew what I wanted in a man... and what I didn't want. This idea of what I don't want in a man is what I call the NO NO list.

The NO NO list is a list of characteristics that I absolutely will not tolerate in my man. If the guy I am dating shows me any one of these traits and it cannot be changed, I won't even hesitate to press that reject button. 

Everyone's NO NO list is different, depending on your values and needs. Here's mine:

1. Arrogance. [Not to be confused with confidence.]Men who think they are such a big deal without any reason is an automatic NO NO. Are you reaping the benefits of your parents' money and pretending like it's yours? Are you putting on the tough guy act pretending like you beat up guys who talk smack? Do you show off EVERY SINGLE ACCOMPLISHMENT? NEXT.
2. Men who don't know the difference between there, their and they're (or commit any other simple grammatical faux pas). So let's say I'm texting a guy I'm interested in and he repeatedly shows me that he doesn't know how to use the three.What a turn off. It shows me that you a) probably don't read a lot b) don't value the education that you have and c) haven't tried to learn the difference. I make exceptions for those who are new to the country and are still learning English. But, if you've been in Canada for the majority of your life and have gone through formal education, I don't see why you don't know the difference.
3. Guys who refer to their girlfriends as their bitches. How rude. This is your girlfriend we're talking about, have a little respect. You're supposed to love and care for her. Is that what you would call your mother? A man who doesn't respect women is not husband material.
4. Guys who can't hold an intelligent conversation/debate with me. I don't care how hot you are, if you can't talk to me about something profound or remotely interesting that doesn't challenge my way of thinking, move on. What's sexy is a man who can stump me and make me say, "you got me." and just shut me up. However, with that said, if you prove your point and act like an ass about it and rub it in my face.. see number 1.
5. A know-it-all. I knew this one guy who had a rebuttal for literally anything I said. I found him to be attractive in the first place because he seemed really intelligent and ambitious and was always adding to my repertoire of knowledge. However, when it came time for me to share my knowledge or opinion, he always found something wrong with it. I'm entitled to my opinion, jerk. How do you have a conversation with someone like that? Glad I dodged that bullet. 
6. Guys who only talk about themselves. I went to coffee with a male friend of mine and in the time we were conversing over our fraps, I wanted to shoot myself. He would spend 15 minutes straight talking about himself (and this is not even an exaggeration), ask about me, completely ignore what I had to say and then continue talking about himself. Why am I even here? You might as well talk to a wall and get the same reaction. Needless to say, that was the last time we went for coffee. 

For all those who are finding that they're having a bit of bad luck in the dating scene and can't seem to find the right kind of person, I encourage you to make your own NO NO list. It helps with the filtering process and saves you a lot of time and heartbreak. Date smarter, people!

Sorry, I'm not interested

A few months ago, I came across this article, "Stop Saying "I have a boyfriend" to deflect unwanted attention." and it really spoke to me. For a few years now, if any male showed me any indication that he was interested in me, I was very quick to play the boyfriend card... even if I didn't have a boyfriend at the time. To me, it was convenient. It seemed like a win-win situation: No one's feelings got hurt and there's no awkwardness on the guy's end (or so I assume). BUT, after reading this article, I see why this is a big problem.

First of all, saying that I have a boyfriend shouldn't really mean a thing. So what if I have a boyfriend? If I were to remove my boyfriend out of the equation, does that mean that I would suddenly be interested in you? Nope.

What happens if I'm in a relationship with someone and you happen to pique my interest? Am I going ditch the oppourtunity to try you out because I have a man? Nope. [I'm not implying cheating here but if you're just having fun and not in a serious relationship, then why not? Be sure to tell your partner first.]

Telling a guy that I have a boyfriend shows him that 1) I don't have any control over the situation and 2) I kinda dig you but having a man prevents me from pursuing any kind of relationship with you. These two messages are probably not even right to begin with.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that your decision to reject a guy is independent of the fact that you have a boyfriend. You're rejecting the guy simply because you're not interested in having a relationship with him. Period. And, of course, this applies to guys as well. If you're not interested in starting anything with her, tell her. 

So, with that in mind, I decided to try it out. I told myself that I was going to throw the "I'm not interested" line on the next guy that asks me my number. 

So picture this. 

I work at a private counselling agency and I get somewhat chummy with my clients. It's my style of counselling and I find that it helps more times than not. So anyways, I get chummy with this client.. Richard (Obviously not his real name but we'll call him that because everyone knows that the nickname for Richard is Dick). So Richard's next appointment is coming up and I usually call clients ahead of time to confirm their attendance. I call up Richard and let him know that he has an appointment tomorrow and was wondering if he would be able to make it. He says no and that he has to re-schedule. As I'm trying to accommodate him into the schedule, he starts putting on the moves and casually asks me for my number. I then (kindly, if I may add) told him that that was sweet and thanked him for the compliments, but then let him know that that was not going to happen. He sounded a little surprised (Richard disclosed to me in counselling that no one has ever rejected him) and asked me why. My feminist, empowered brain kicked into high gear and I remembered the article and proudly said the three words that I vowed to use: I'm not interested.

Oh hell, did that backfire.

Following my courageous words was the longest awkward silence. I felt triumphant up until the silence was broken with Richard laughing and saying, "Oh wow, this must be really embarrassing for you. I did not mean it like that."

Excuse me? Why else are you trying to get my number? You trying to sell me car insurance or something? 

How did he turn this around and embarrass me? Like I said something wrong. Telling guys that you're not interested may be the right thing to do in theory, but hella hard when putting it into practice. 

People, don't make this harder than it is. If someone is not interested in you, then it is what it is. Move on. End of the day, it comes down to respect. If you don't respect my wishes, you sure as hell won't respect me as a partner. 

Don't be a Richard about it