No uterus, no opinion.

I’ve been doing some reading in trying to understand the validity of pre-menstrual syndrome (PMS) and whether or not women are just using it as an excuse for their behaviour.  On one hand, I assume that the hormonal imbalances within women during different stages of their menstrual cycle cause them to act in an irrational manner (though, there has not been any consistent research to support this). However, at the same time, I’ve also been reading about how PMS is a social construct that women have created in order to justify their behaviour. Apparently PMS has only been identified by Western cultures as Eastern cultures barely even acknowledge this as a thing.

This is all so confusing. I want to believe that PMS is real due to bodily changes, but is it also a product of my imagination? I know that a week or so prior to my uterus shedding its lining, I can be quite the emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I just want to lay in bed and cry, then I’m off to raging at someone for being five minutes late, only to be later satisfied by a slice of double chocolate cake with fudge icing and chocolate sprinkles… all in one day. Knowing about my “unstable state”, those that are close to me write me off when I am upset about something.

Why is she not talking to you?

Oh, you know, that time of the month.

Why is she crying during this episode of Modern Family?

Hormones.

You’re upset that I didn’t pick up my phone before four rings?

Ring Ring, must be your period calling.

Sure, when you’re not on your period or lack a uterus, these all sound so silly. But, in the moment, we believe that these are real problems. My take on this whole thing is that PMS is something that only projects or amplifies inner feelings that have not been acknowledged.  Maybe PMS is something that helps us realize that something is upsetting us but we just don’t know the exact cause of it.

Let’s say you’re mad at your boyfriend for not picking up his phone before it hits voicemail. You call him again and he picks up. You’re screaming at him for not picking up the first time and you vow to never call him again. For an outsider looking in, this may seem unreasonable. For you, however, it’s completely justified. But, think about why you got upset. It’s not because he didn’t pick up the phone, but it could be because you believe that he is unavailable to you. You’re feeling neglected. Maybe you feel that he is not prioritizing you. Perhaps you’re jealous that he’s spending time with his friends more than with you. You’re thinking that he doesn’t value the relationship. So here, the issue is not the missed phone call. The issue is deeper than that: you feel that some need has not been met. In this case, you would like for him to be available to you when you’re not feeling your best. You need comfort.  That’s what’s upsetting you. BUT, because everyone knows you’re PMS-ing your behaviour is quickly dismissed and no one bothers to dig deep and understand the feelings behind your reaction.

My advice is this:

MEN: A woman’s behaviour during this special time of the month may seem irrational to you, but to her, it’s very real. Think about why she’s feeling this way. What need is not met? What underlying emotion are you not tapping into?

WOMEN: Ask yourself the same questions. Why are you crying? What about this moment is making you this upset? What emotions are you not tapping into? Can you express this without scarring everyone off?

How can you be taken seriously if you’re kicking and screaming at everyone? Your issues are important but no one is going to recognize that if not packaged nicely.  Before reacting, take a minute to yourself and see if you can let this feeling pass. Take a deep breath and let go of that anger and get in tune with your inner emotions.

…But then again, what do I know? I’m just PMS-ing.

The NO NO List

Every so often I run into a newly broken up individual who is at wits end with the dating game. At this point, they're ready to give up on relationships all together and wonder why none of their relationships ever work out. This is where I introduce to them the no-no list. Now, I'm not saying that I'm a love guru or anything, but I do know a thing or two about relationships [Five years and counting ;) ]

I've never really been in the dating game because my partner and I have been together since my teenage years, but I think that I got it right the first time around because I knew what I wanted in a man... and what I didn't want. This idea of what I don't want in a man is what I call the NO NO list.

The NO NO list is a list of characteristics that I absolutely will not tolerate in my man. If the guy I am dating shows me any one of these traits and it cannot be changed, I won't even hesitate to press that reject button. 

Everyone's NO NO list is different, depending on your values and needs. Here's mine:

1. Arrogance. [Not to be confused with confidence.]Men who think they are such a big deal without any reason is an automatic NO NO. Are you reaping the benefits of your parents' money and pretending like it's yours? Are you putting on the tough guy act pretending like you beat up guys who talk smack? Do you show off EVERY SINGLE ACCOMPLISHMENT? NEXT.
2. Men who don't know the difference between there, their and they're (or commit any other simple grammatical faux pas). So let's say I'm texting a guy I'm interested in and he repeatedly shows me that he doesn't know how to use the three.What a turn off. It shows me that you a) probably don't read a lot b) don't value the education that you have and c) haven't tried to learn the difference. I make exceptions for those who are new to the country and are still learning English. But, if you've been in Canada for the majority of your life and have gone through formal education, I don't see why you don't know the difference.
3. Guys who refer to their girlfriends as their bitches. How rude. This is your girlfriend we're talking about, have a little respect. You're supposed to love and care for her. Is that what you would call your mother? A man who doesn't respect women is not husband material.
4. Guys who can't hold an intelligent conversation/debate with me. I don't care how hot you are, if you can't talk to me about something profound or remotely interesting that doesn't challenge my way of thinking, move on. What's sexy is a man who can stump me and make me say, "you got me." and just shut me up. However, with that said, if you prove your point and act like an ass about it and rub it in my face.. see number 1.
5. A know-it-all. I knew this one guy who had a rebuttal for literally anything I said. I found him to be attractive in the first place because he seemed really intelligent and ambitious and was always adding to my repertoire of knowledge. However, when it came time for me to share my knowledge or opinion, he always found something wrong with it. I'm entitled to my opinion, jerk. How do you have a conversation with someone like that? Glad I dodged that bullet. 
6. Guys who only talk about themselves. I went to coffee with a male friend of mine and in the time we were conversing over our fraps, I wanted to shoot myself. He would spend 15 minutes straight talking about himself (and this is not even an exaggeration), ask about me, completely ignore what I had to say and then continue talking about himself. Why am I even here? You might as well talk to a wall and get the same reaction. Needless to say, that was the last time we went for coffee. 

For all those who are finding that they're having a bit of bad luck in the dating scene and can't seem to find the right kind of person, I encourage you to make your own NO NO list. It helps with the filtering process and saves you a lot of time and heartbreak. Date smarter, people!