What is she like? Oh, she's cool.

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn is the story of Amy Dunne and her badass way of taking revenge on her cheating husband, Nick. It depicts a woman's religious commitment to ruining her husband's life in an attempt to rectify his wrong doing. I've always been a fan of stories that have a strong female lead. They inspire me to take charge, and empower and motivate me to face challenges head on. If the ending wasn't so messed up, I would say that this story did just that.

It surprises me how Amy has such a great grasp on the male and female psyche. She knows exactly what to say, how to say it, and what to do in order to get things done her way. Her understanding of how people think just blew me away. I would do anything to have that insight. One thing that really caught my eye was her conceptualization of The Cool Girl

To summarize, what a guy wants is:

1. Someone who is appealing to the eyes
2. Shares the same interests in sports
3. Is able to let loose and is not high maintenance
4. Gets him and is OK with him doing whatever he wants.

Basically, what he wants is a bro. He would like to be with someone who is similar to his friends but has the added benefit of being able to sleep with her. It's the perfect package! Do people realize that this woman doesn't exist? I noticed that the above leaves out one key element that men tend to avoid.

Emotion

Whether we like it or not, emotions play a large role in how we function and yet, many men (at least the ones that I interact with) want nothing to do with it. I feel that a woman can portray all the above, and everything can be going smoothly, but as soon as she shows an inkling of emotion, sirens are going off in his mind and she's suddenly not "cool". She's just being a woman

I guess the same can be said for men too. To me, a "cool guy" is someone who:

1. Is tall, has broad shoulders, beefy, and can pass for a Calvin Klein model
2. Smart, witty, and classy
3. Physically active
4. Is skilled under the sheets
5. Can get out of any stressful situation with charm

...basically this guy:

(If you don't know who Harvey Specter is, go watch Suits and thank me later)

You see how sensitivity and emotional intelligence didn't even fall into my definition of a "cool guy"? My idea of the cool guy is synonymous to society's notion of masculinity. Shame on me. 

We need to start deconstructing our current expectations and standards for our partner because we're never going to find a "cool girl" or a "cool guy". They just don't exist. As much as I would love love love to meet a real life Harvey, I know that if I hold out for him, I'll die waiting. And even if I did find him, I wouldn't be happy with him. How can anyone be in a relationship that lacks emotions? I have feelings, acknowledge them! If you're looking for a happy, stable relationship, the cool girl/guy is not for you. They're more reserved for a "no strings attached" type relationship.

We need to accept that people come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and you have to accept them for who they are. Likewise, don't change yourself/ pretend to be "cool". This isn't high school. Being cool has no meaning or significance in the real world. It's a mirage. Be yourself. Your partner should love you for you, not for the image that you portray.

Amy Dunne says it best...

Cookie Cutter Feminism

Cookie Cutter Feminism: It doesn’t exist

We can’t all be the same kind of feminist

Like I’ve mentioned before, I took a gender studies elective in school. Here, we were exposed to several feminist theories that emerged over time as a result of the yesteryears. After learning about a handful of theories, three stood out to me:

1.    Liberal feminism: these feminists believe that even though women are biologically different, they are still human and therefore should be treated equal in all aspects of life. Liberal feminists aim to put women in the work force in such a way that there is no discrimination in gender. Here, women are encouraged to personify male qualities, such as aggressiveness and power, to succeed in the workplace. Think Jessica Pearson from Suits. She would do liberal feminists proud.

2.     Radical feminism: the notion that men and women are different, but equal. Emphasis in this theory is put on qualities that make women unique as a way to empower women. Such qualities include nurturance, empathy and compassion.

3.     Psychoanalytical feminism: women and men are forced into their gender roles due to the influence of society. The primary belief is that gender is not biologically determined but a role we play as a result of what society expects of us.  It’s something that we are taught as children, adopt, and share with the next generation.

Being a young, ambitious woman in a competitive world, I was mostly drawn to liberal feminism. It seemed like a perfect fit for my personality and I believed that this was the most obvious way to progress in the world as a female.  This idea encouraged me to adopt a ruthless feminist mentality that turned out to be very wrong. I think at that point, I took feminism to an extreme. In my mind, a forward thinking woman/modern woman/ woman exercising her female rights was someone who:

ü  Was dedicated to her education and/or career- she puts her career first before anything else

ü  Postponed having children because she needs to live her life to the fullest before giving up her life for someone else

ü  Did not need the support of a man because she’s Ms. Independent and she can do it all on her own

ü  Had strong and like-minded friends who she meets after work for drinks to talk about how successful she is doing in a ‘mans world’. If you’ve ever watched Lipstick Jungle, you would know what I’m talking about. (Side note: that show is totally underrated. Definitely check it out)

Women who didn’t fit this mould were, to me, anti-feminists and were wasting their female power. I was so snobby that I looked down on women who chose to be housewives despite their education. Hello! Do you not have dreams and ambitions? Why are you wasting your life taking care of a man when you can develop a successful career for yourself? You’re setting back the feminist movement!

…God, I was such a jerk

This line of thinking is totally wrong. Cruel even. Who am I to judge how you run your life? Who am I to determine your goals and ambitions? What really hit it home for me was when I started thinking about the psychoanalytical approach to feminism.  To reiterate, these feminists believe that society dictates the roles of males and females. We learn in childhood to identify traits as either masculine or feminine simply by watching our parents.  These early childhood experiences lead to gender inequality. Think about it. How many times have you heard someone (most likely a man, but I’ve heard women say it too) that women belong in the kitchen? I bet you would be less likely to believe that if you grew up watching your dad cook your meals.

Anyways, the point I’m getting at is this: if a psychoanalytically influenced feminist is fighting to strip away societal expectations for women, why are feminists fighting to reinvent new expectations for women? Why am I, a feminist at heart, telling women how to be a woman? Isn’t that exactly what psychoanalytical feminists were fighting against? I was asking women to make a shift from one kind of female to another... and that is wrong. What makes me any different from the society forcing down their expectation of women?

Ladies, you have the power and freedom to choose what type of woman you want to be. You can choose to be a career woman or a stay at home mom. That’s your choice. Embrace it. Own it. Live it. Just make sure that you strive to be the best in your chosen field. If I can tell past me about the folly of my old line of thinking, I would tell her, 

“Give these women a break! You call yourself a feminist yet you’re against women! Calm yourself, yah hypocrite.”

On that note... why are women so mean to each other? We can't fight for equality if we're busy pulling at each other's hair. Get it together, girls!

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“From the Sidelines” is the section of the blog where I post links/ information about the pop culture references or resources I may have used in today’s post.

For more information on feminist theories, I recommend “Gender Inequality: Feminist theories and politics” by Judith Lorber. ISBN: 978-0-19-537522-0

Jessica Pearson (Gina Torres)- This was the best I can find:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYSmydABcFQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azS90dTrXCE

 Lipstick Jungle- again, this is the best I can find:

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q08dDGfqKLg

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Man! I Feel Like A Woman

Artist: Shania Twain

Album:Come On Over (1999)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJL4UGSbeFg