No uterus, no opinion.

I’ve been doing some reading in trying to understand the validity of pre-menstrual syndrome (PMS) and whether or not women are just using it as an excuse for their behaviour.  On one hand, I assume that the hormonal imbalances within women during different stages of their menstrual cycle cause them to act in an irrational manner (though, there has not been any consistent research to support this). However, at the same time, I’ve also been reading about how PMS is a social construct that women have created in order to justify their behaviour. Apparently PMS has only been identified by Western cultures as Eastern cultures barely even acknowledge this as a thing.

This is all so confusing. I want to believe that PMS is real due to bodily changes, but is it also a product of my imagination? I know that a week or so prior to my uterus shedding its lining, I can be quite the emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I just want to lay in bed and cry, then I’m off to raging at someone for being five minutes late, only to be later satisfied by a slice of double chocolate cake with fudge icing and chocolate sprinkles… all in one day. Knowing about my “unstable state”, those that are close to me write me off when I am upset about something.

Why is she not talking to you?

Oh, you know, that time of the month.

Why is she crying during this episode of Modern Family?

Hormones.

You’re upset that I didn’t pick up my phone before four rings?

Ring Ring, must be your period calling.

Sure, when you’re not on your period or lack a uterus, these all sound so silly. But, in the moment, we believe that these are real problems. My take on this whole thing is that PMS is something that only projects or amplifies inner feelings that have not been acknowledged.  Maybe PMS is something that helps us realize that something is upsetting us but we just don’t know the exact cause of it.

Let’s say you’re mad at your boyfriend for not picking up his phone before it hits voicemail. You call him again and he picks up. You’re screaming at him for not picking up the first time and you vow to never call him again. For an outsider looking in, this may seem unreasonable. For you, however, it’s completely justified. But, think about why you got upset. It’s not because he didn’t pick up the phone, but it could be because you believe that he is unavailable to you. You’re feeling neglected. Maybe you feel that he is not prioritizing you. Perhaps you’re jealous that he’s spending time with his friends more than with you. You’re thinking that he doesn’t value the relationship. So here, the issue is not the missed phone call. The issue is deeper than that: you feel that some need has not been met. In this case, you would like for him to be available to you when you’re not feeling your best. You need comfort.  That’s what’s upsetting you. BUT, because everyone knows you’re PMS-ing your behaviour is quickly dismissed and no one bothers to dig deep and understand the feelings behind your reaction.

My advice is this:

MEN: A woman’s behaviour during this special time of the month may seem irrational to you, but to her, it’s very real. Think about why she’s feeling this way. What need is not met? What underlying emotion are you not tapping into?

WOMEN: Ask yourself the same questions. Why are you crying? What about this moment is making you this upset? What emotions are you not tapping into? Can you express this without scarring everyone off?

How can you be taken seriously if you’re kicking and screaming at everyone? Your issues are important but no one is going to recognize that if not packaged nicely.  Before reacting, take a minute to yourself and see if you can let this feeling pass. Take a deep breath and let go of that anger and get in tune with your inner emotions.

…But then again, what do I know? I’m just PMS-ing.

I want a stable guy. Is that wrong?

In the animal kingdom, the male’s role is to impregnate as many females as possible in order to ensure that his genes are passed on to the next generation.  It’s easy for him to do so because it only takes a few minutes for him to get his business done. He’s in and out and on to the next one.

Females, on the other hand, are picky. Having a baby isn’t easy so she has to pick a partner who has good genes and is likely to take care of the offspring with her. The strong, alpha male is usually the one that wins out. Besides, who wouldn’t want the alpha male? He’s strong, smart, has resources, can protect you and can take care of you and his kids. She’s spending all this time and resources in creating his kid, it’s the least he can do.

Now, this works well in the animal kingdom, and it definitely is applicable in human courting patterns too. But, in a time where women are working towards independence and are all “I don’t have to rely on a man”, am I being hypocritical in wanting a man who is stable?

What do I mean by stable?  I need a man who can keep a job, shares similar family values, is ambitious and doesn’t bum around. I want these things, not because I’m trying to mooch off of his gains, but because I want the same things for myself. Being with someone who has these values as I do means that I will always be trying to improve myself as well. But does this mean that I’m using him for my own gain? I want to say no, because at the end of the day, I still love the guy for who he is at the core. I didn’t even think me wanting a stable guy was a bad thing until I overheard a conversation between these two people.

Girl: You never have time for me anymore. You’re always so busy with work and school

Guy: You should have fallen in love with me when I was not doing anything. I would have a lot of time for you. But you chose to fall in love with me when I’m trying to make something out of myself. Not seeing me often comes with the territory of being with me.

Girl: Well, I probably wouldn’t be interested in you if you were bumming around anyway

Guy: Of course not. You wouldn’t find anything to love.

It got me thinking. Would I be interested in my own partner if I thought he was going to be bumming around for the rest of our life together? As bad as it sounds, (or does it?) probably not. It’s unattractive, but it’s not because he’s not bringing home the bacon. It means that no matter how much I love him as a person, if we’re not on the same page in where our values are, then we’re just not going to work out. I can’t value hard work, ambition, confidence and independence for myself and be with someone who doesn’t want the same things for himself.

Anyways, I guess what I’m trying to say here is that there is nothing wrong with you wanting a man with a job. As long as he wakes up every day with a purpose in life. It doesn’t make you a gold digger, a moocher, or any less independent. It just means that you expect the same out of him that you expect from yourself.

And there’s nothing wrong with that…