What is she like? Oh, she's cool.

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn is the story of Amy Dunne and her badass way of taking revenge on her cheating husband, Nick. It depicts a woman's religious commitment to ruining her husband's life in an attempt to rectify his wrong doing. I've always been a fan of stories that have a strong female lead. They inspire me to take charge, and empower and motivate me to face challenges head on. If the ending wasn't so messed up, I would say that this story did just that.

It surprises me how Amy has such a great grasp on the male and female psyche. She knows exactly what to say, how to say it, and what to do in order to get things done her way. Her understanding of how people think just blew me away. I would do anything to have that insight. One thing that really caught my eye was her conceptualization of The Cool Girl

To summarize, what a guy wants is:

1. Someone who is appealing to the eyes
2. Shares the same interests in sports
3. Is able to let loose and is not high maintenance
4. Gets him and is OK with him doing whatever he wants.

Basically, what he wants is a bro. He would like to be with someone who is similar to his friends but has the added benefit of being able to sleep with her. It's the perfect package! Do people realize that this woman doesn't exist? I noticed that the above leaves out one key element that men tend to avoid.

Emotion

Whether we like it or not, emotions play a large role in how we function and yet, many men (at least the ones that I interact with) want nothing to do with it. I feel that a woman can portray all the above, and everything can be going smoothly, but as soon as she shows an inkling of emotion, sirens are going off in his mind and she's suddenly not "cool". She's just being a woman

I guess the same can be said for men too. To me, a "cool guy" is someone who:

1. Is tall, has broad shoulders, beefy, and can pass for a Calvin Klein model
2. Smart, witty, and classy
3. Physically active
4. Is skilled under the sheets
5. Can get out of any stressful situation with charm

...basically this guy:

(If you don't know who Harvey Specter is, go watch Suits and thank me later)

You see how sensitivity and emotional intelligence didn't even fall into my definition of a "cool guy"? My idea of the cool guy is synonymous to society's notion of masculinity. Shame on me. 

We need to start deconstructing our current expectations and standards for our partner because we're never going to find a "cool girl" or a "cool guy". They just don't exist. As much as I would love love love to meet a real life Harvey, I know that if I hold out for him, I'll die waiting. And even if I did find him, I wouldn't be happy with him. How can anyone be in a relationship that lacks emotions? I have feelings, acknowledge them! If you're looking for a happy, stable relationship, the cool girl/guy is not for you. They're more reserved for a "no strings attached" type relationship.

We need to accept that people come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and you have to accept them for who they are. Likewise, don't change yourself/ pretend to be "cool". This isn't high school. Being cool has no meaning or significance in the real world. It's a mirage. Be yourself. Your partner should love you for you, not for the image that you portray.

Amy Dunne says it best...

I'm not interested: The follow up

Last year I wrote a post entitled, "Sorry, I'm not interested" where I discuss why we shouldn't resort to lying about our relationship status in order to deter men from getting our numbers. Basically, the point that I was trying to make was that your relationship should not dictate whether or not you give your number out. You should decide that.

You are not spoken for

I also discuss how I tried it out and it totally backfired on me and completely turned me off from the process. I'll admit, I did on occasion use the "I'm taken" line and it obviously made guys back off (except one guy who insisted that "just because there's a goalie, doesn't mean I can't score"--Pfft)

For the most part it worked, but I was getting tired of it. I hated feeling "owned" by someone. I hated the idea of having an "excuse" for not being interested. I was afraid that by saying no, I would be hurting this guy's feeling and so I tried sugarcoating it. However, in the process of it all, I was doing myself a disservice. It deprived me of a voice. Of an opinion. Of a choice.

So what did I do? 

I decided to try it again. 

A really nice dude struck up a conversation with me about cell phones and eventually asked me for my number so that we can go out for coffee sometime. I smiled, thanked him for the offer but told him that I don't give my number out. He persisted, but I held my ground. Eventually, he got the message, wished me a good day and went on his way.

I cannot tell you how empowered I felt. It actually worked and I didn't feel bad about it. I didn't even feel compelled to give him a fake number. If you really think about it, this shows the guy respect too. Imagine giving him a fake number and he goes home only to find out that he's been bamboozled. How would he feel? It takes a lot of courage to ask someone for their number (why do you think I've never done it?!). But, by being honest, you can have a nice, civilized, mature conversation. If he acts like a total jerk about it, then you should be glad that you didn't give him your number because he clearly doesn't deserve it. You did yourself a service by dodging that bullet.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that don't be like me and deprive yourself of a voice. If you're not interested, politely tell him. Prove to yourself that you have confidence in your decision and that you demand respect for your choice. Fake boyfriend or not, you owe yourself that much.

 That is what you should be interested in.