The 100th Problem

The 100th Problem

If you know me well, you would know that I love 9GAG and memes. Within a few minutes of scrolling through the website, I am up to date with current events, impending world wars, viral outbreaks, latest trends and celebrity gossip. Hell, I already know what the weather is like outside without looking out the window. Chances are, someone has already made a post about it. With that said, I consider 9GAG and any other similar site as a social thermometer. 9GAG gives me an idea of how society views and perceives issues. I see it as a social study that helps me see where society stands on certain topics that are not otherwise discussed at length. One such topic is male abuse.

Remember when TMZ leaked video footage of Jay-Z being beat down by his sister-in-law, Solange Knowles, after the Met Gala? I don’t know about you, but that footage was jaw-dropping scary. I wasn’t aware of the incident until these started popping up on my 9GAG…

 

Yes, they were funny. I would be lying if I said I didn’t laugh. But seriously though, male abuse is no laughing  matter. Let me be clear here. Abuse is abuse, whether it is done by a man or woman. But, it seems to me that male abuse is one of society’s best kept secrets.

According to a national survey conducted in 2013, roughly 25% of male Canadians suffer from some type of domestic abuse. I, however, suspect that this statistic is much higher. Most male abuse is unreported as men are usually ashamed of admitting that their female partner is abusive. It’s not just phyiscal abuse we’re talking about either. It’s also emotional, psychological, financial and isolation abuse.

I don’t blame men for not admiting to others that their partner abuses them. Just look at all the ridicule that Jay-Z suffered on 9GAG. Remember that society paints a picture of how men and women are expected to behave. Men are supposed to be strong and macho. Women are supposed to be kind and nurturing. So when a dainty woman is fly kicking a big, muscular, macho man, everyone’s cracking jokes and questioning his “manhood” . Flip the scenario the other way around in which the man beats up the woman and suddenly everyones crossing their arms and are thinking that he should have known better.

Other than a few comments on the posting, I barely saw any posts that condemn Solange for her actions. If anything, I encountered justifications for her behaviour.

“Solange suspected Jay-Z of cheating”

“Jay-Z had made a move on Solange”

“Jay-Z had insulted Solange”

They almost exonerate her for her actions! All these comments take away Solange’s responsibilty and role in the abuse and continue to make Jay-Z the bad guy. Why does he have to be ashamed when he allegedly didn’t do anything? What kind of message are we sending to society, especially males, when we ridicule Jay-Z? We’re saying that if your woman, or any woman for that matter, abuses you, it’s probably your fault and you should man up and take it.

Uhhh…..no.

What needs to change is the idea that abuse is abuse, regardless of who is delivering it and in what form. That’s the bottom line. It hurts and we won’t stand by it. It’s up to us to accept that abuse can happen to anyone. Rather than mocking someone for their experiences, be empathetic towards them. Lend them an open, non-judgmental ear.  It might make all the difference in their life. Solve their 100th problem

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“From the Sidelines” is the section of the blog where I post links/ information about the pop culture references or resources I may have used in today’s post.

TMZ Video Footage of the infamous Solange vs. Jay-Z

http://www.tmz.com/videos/0_6lrpg6kh/

Jay-Z's 99 Problems

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwoM5fLITfk

Solange's Losing you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hy9W_mrY_Vk

9GAG

 www.9gag.com 

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Pulling Teeth

Artist: Green Day

Album: Dookie (1994)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3R7qASk6dg

Let me know if you find any other songs that are remotely related to male abuse! I'm curious to see what's out there

Mean Girls

Mean Girls

If you’ve ever watched Mean Girls, you would know that girls can be quite cruel. I’m no exception. I’ve had my fair share of experiences with a burnbook, a permanent position at the rumor mill, and have been caught in the middle of several non-sensible girl dramas.  As much as I would hate to admit it, I was quite proud of my burnbook… although I never called it that. I would describe what went in it, but I won’t because 1) This is the god damn Internet and the girl(s) I tortured could figure out that I was writing about them and 2) the idea is pretty genius and I don’t want to inject my cruel idea into the minds of a young girls. Besides, in this day and age, I’m sure someone out there has already devised something much unkinder.

Knowing how cruel girls can be through my experiences as both a victim and torturer, I resolved to only make friends with males. I felt that males were so much easier to talk to. They didn’t judge the outfit I had on, they were more likely to tell me the cold hard truth, better wing men (not that I would need the help ;) ) and better confidantes. I have never known a guy to spill my secrets. Tell a woman the same secret and forget about it. It’ll be plastered on the front page of the Toronto Star the next morning.

I’m not the only one who thinks this way. Many women share the same opinion. So much so that author Roxanne Gay dedicated a whole chapter in her book, “Bad Feminist” on female friendships and why it’s important to maintain them. Gay reminds us that there’s a cultural myth that female friendships are “bitchy, toxic and/or competitive” This may be true of some (unhealthy) friendships but this is not its defining characteristic.

Ladies, think about the good friendships you do have. How many of you can say that you can replicate the same feelings you have with your girlfriends with your male friends? Think about all the times you’ve cried laughing with your girlfriends while watching Legally Blonde for the 100^th time.  How many times you’ve shared in each other’s pain through menstrual cramps? How many times have you and your girlfriends binged on chocolate thanks to your cravings? Who came shopping with you for an outfit, only to come out empty handed several hours later? Who was there for you to vent to after you’ve had a bad date? Who can understand you better after a grueling workweek with your horrible boss? There are so many things that you can have with a female friendship that male friendships can’t offer… and realizing this is important.

As feminists, how can we hold equality close to our hearts if we, ourselves, exclude females from our circle of friends?  How can we fight for equality if we don’t treat each other as our own equals?  Gay reminds us to abandon the cultural myth that all female friendships are poisonous. It slows women down. Don’t let a few bad seeds ruin your image of the female friendship. To quote Gay, “ If you feel like it’s hard to be friends with women, consider that maybe women aren’t the problem. Maybe it’s just you."

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“From the Sidelines” is the section of the blog where I post links/ information about the pop culture references or resources I may have used in today’s post.

Bad Feminist by Roxane Gay ISBN- 978-0-06-228271-2

Mean Girls-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sR528E5_8yI

Legally Blonde- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aba_Om2NPLc

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Wannabe

Artist: Spice Girls

Album: Spice

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJLIiF15wjQ

Cookie Cutter Feminism

Cookie Cutter Feminism: It doesn’t exist

We can’t all be the same kind of feminist

Like I’ve mentioned before, I took a gender studies elective in school. Here, we were exposed to several feminist theories that emerged over time as a result of the yesteryears. After learning about a handful of theories, three stood out to me:

1.    Liberal feminism: these feminists believe that even though women are biologically different, they are still human and therefore should be treated equal in all aspects of life. Liberal feminists aim to put women in the work force in such a way that there is no discrimination in gender. Here, women are encouraged to personify male qualities, such as aggressiveness and power, to succeed in the workplace. Think Jessica Pearson from Suits. She would do liberal feminists proud.

2.     Radical feminism: the notion that men and women are different, but equal. Emphasis in this theory is put on qualities that make women unique as a way to empower women. Such qualities include nurturance, empathy and compassion.

3.     Psychoanalytical feminism: women and men are forced into their gender roles due to the influence of society. The primary belief is that gender is not biologically determined but a role we play as a result of what society expects of us.  It’s something that we are taught as children, adopt, and share with the next generation.

Being a young, ambitious woman in a competitive world, I was mostly drawn to liberal feminism. It seemed like a perfect fit for my personality and I believed that this was the most obvious way to progress in the world as a female.  This idea encouraged me to adopt a ruthless feminist mentality that turned out to be very wrong. I think at that point, I took feminism to an extreme. In my mind, a forward thinking woman/modern woman/ woman exercising her female rights was someone who:

ü  Was dedicated to her education and/or career- she puts her career first before anything else

ü  Postponed having children because she needs to live her life to the fullest before giving up her life for someone else

ü  Did not need the support of a man because she’s Ms. Independent and she can do it all on her own

ü  Had strong and like-minded friends who she meets after work for drinks to talk about how successful she is doing in a ‘mans world’. If you’ve ever watched Lipstick Jungle, you would know what I’m talking about. (Side note: that show is totally underrated. Definitely check it out)

Women who didn’t fit this mould were, to me, anti-feminists and were wasting their female power. I was so snobby that I looked down on women who chose to be housewives despite their education. Hello! Do you not have dreams and ambitions? Why are you wasting your life taking care of a man when you can develop a successful career for yourself? You’re setting back the feminist movement!

…God, I was such a jerk

This line of thinking is totally wrong. Cruel even. Who am I to judge how you run your life? Who am I to determine your goals and ambitions? What really hit it home for me was when I started thinking about the psychoanalytical approach to feminism.  To reiterate, these feminists believe that society dictates the roles of males and females. We learn in childhood to identify traits as either masculine or feminine simply by watching our parents.  These early childhood experiences lead to gender inequality. Think about it. How many times have you heard someone (most likely a man, but I’ve heard women say it too) that women belong in the kitchen? I bet you would be less likely to believe that if you grew up watching your dad cook your meals.

Anyways, the point I’m getting at is this: if a psychoanalytically influenced feminist is fighting to strip away societal expectations for women, why are feminists fighting to reinvent new expectations for women? Why am I, a feminist at heart, telling women how to be a woman? Isn’t that exactly what psychoanalytical feminists were fighting against? I was asking women to make a shift from one kind of female to another... and that is wrong. What makes me any different from the society forcing down their expectation of women?

Ladies, you have the power and freedom to choose what type of woman you want to be. You can choose to be a career woman or a stay at home mom. That’s your choice. Embrace it. Own it. Live it. Just make sure that you strive to be the best in your chosen field. If I can tell past me about the folly of my old line of thinking, I would tell her, 

“Give these women a break! You call yourself a feminist yet you’re against women! Calm yourself, yah hypocrite.”

On that note... why are women so mean to each other? We can't fight for equality if we're busy pulling at each other's hair. Get it together, girls!

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“From the Sidelines” is the section of the blog where I post links/ information about the pop culture references or resources I may have used in today’s post.

For more information on feminist theories, I recommend “Gender Inequality: Feminist theories and politics” by Judith Lorber. ISBN: 978-0-19-537522-0

Jessica Pearson (Gina Torres)- This was the best I can find:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYSmydABcFQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azS90dTrXCE

 Lipstick Jungle- again, this is the best I can find:

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q08dDGfqKLg

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Man! I Feel Like A Woman

Artist: Shania Twain

Album:Come On Over (1999)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJL4UGSbeFg

I was told there would be bra-burning

I was told there would be bra-burning...

Thinking back, when anyone talked about feminism, the only picture that entered my mind was an old, heavy, wrinkly woman wearing a full-sleeved shirt, ankle length skirt, and a scarf around her head with her fist clenched in the air. Essentially, I was picturing an oppressed woman during the time of suffrage. Over time, my image of a feminist morphed into a man-hating, bra-burning, hairy-legged hippie. In all cases, my opinion of a feminist was a negative one. Why are these women giving all women a bad name? Why can’t they just go with the flow and just get along with everyone? Hello, it’s called patriarchy for a reason. I’m sure most of you out there have similar, if not variations of my previous image. It’s images like these, and lack of education, that give feminists a bad name, and quite frankly, a small fan base.

Feminism was not on my radar until my third year of university. My school was offering a course on gender studies and I was looking for an easy A to fill in my transcript. Gender studies seemed to be the perfect fit. Like, c’mon, I’m a woman. It pretty much meant that I met the pre-requisite and all I really had to do was voice my opinion and voila, off with my A I go. I was wrong….well, not quite. I did end the course with a solid A-

But that’s not all I received. The course had taught me about the small injustices we face as a group, and how these are still prevalent in, what we claim to be, a modern and progressive world. 

I don’t want to give too much away within this first post. What’s the fun in that? But for now, let me just scratch the surface in terms of what is expected and not expected in this blog series (that I hope that I’ll actually maintain…I’ve had several failed ones)

What NOT to expect:

1.     An old, heavy, wrinkly woman wearing a full-sleeved blouse, ankle length skirt, and a scarf around her head with her fist clenched in the air

2.     Man-hating: Trust me, I love men.

3.     Talk of equal pay. This subject is so over-debated, I can't even deal anymore.

What to expect:

1.     My forever evolving feminist identity

2.     Feminism that comes in different forms and how there's a type of feminism for everyone

3.     Why we should consider equality, rather than female superiority

4.     Women that I look up to, feminist or not

5.     Learning that women can be scumbags too

I guess the main point of the blog is to shatter the typical idea of what a feminist/ feminism is. When I tell my male friends that I’m a feminist, they cringe and prepare for a fight because they think I’m about to explain why men are the scum of the Earth. This isn’t what feminism is about.

Chimamanda Adichie says it best:

“Feminist: the person who believes in the social, political and economic equality of the sexes.”

You hear that, people? The SEXES. It didn’t say “..of women”. It says sexes. That’s right boys, that includes you too.

BUT. This is just one-way of looking at it…let me show you the others.

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Today’s feature song:

***Flawless

Artist: Beyoncé Knowles feat. Chimamanda Adichie

Album: BEYONCE

YouTube Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jm3D3D-xSKE