What is she like? Oh, she's cool.

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn is the story of Amy Dunne and her badass way of taking revenge on her cheating husband, Nick. It depicts a woman's religious commitment to ruining her husband's life in an attempt to rectify his wrong doing. I've always been a fan of stories that have a strong female lead. They inspire me to take charge, and empower and motivate me to face challenges head on. If the ending wasn't so messed up, I would say that this story did just that.

It surprises me how Amy has such a great grasp on the male and female psyche. She knows exactly what to say, how to say it, and what to do in order to get things done her way. Her understanding of how people think just blew me away. I would do anything to have that insight. One thing that really caught my eye was her conceptualization of The Cool Girl

To summarize, what a guy wants is:

1. Someone who is appealing to the eyes
2. Shares the same interests in sports
3. Is able to let loose and is not high maintenance
4. Gets him and is OK with him doing whatever he wants.

Basically, what he wants is a bro. He would like to be with someone who is similar to his friends but has the added benefit of being able to sleep with her. It's the perfect package! Do people realize that this woman doesn't exist? I noticed that the above leaves out one key element that men tend to avoid.

Emotion

Whether we like it or not, emotions play a large role in how we function and yet, many men (at least the ones that I interact with) want nothing to do with it. I feel that a woman can portray all the above, and everything can be going smoothly, but as soon as she shows an inkling of emotion, sirens are going off in his mind and she's suddenly not "cool". She's just being a woman

I guess the same can be said for men too. To me, a "cool guy" is someone who:

1. Is tall, has broad shoulders, beefy, and can pass for a Calvin Klein model
2. Smart, witty, and classy
3. Physically active
4. Is skilled under the sheets
5. Can get out of any stressful situation with charm

...basically this guy:

(If you don't know who Harvey Specter is, go watch Suits and thank me later)

You see how sensitivity and emotional intelligence didn't even fall into my definition of a "cool guy"? My idea of the cool guy is synonymous to society's notion of masculinity. Shame on me. 

We need to start deconstructing our current expectations and standards for our partner because we're never going to find a "cool girl" or a "cool guy". They just don't exist. As much as I would love love love to meet a real life Harvey, I know that if I hold out for him, I'll die waiting. And even if I did find him, I wouldn't be happy with him. How can anyone be in a relationship that lacks emotions? I have feelings, acknowledge them! If you're looking for a happy, stable relationship, the cool girl/guy is not for you. They're more reserved for a "no strings attached" type relationship.

We need to accept that people come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and you have to accept them for who they are. Likewise, don't change yourself/ pretend to be "cool". This isn't high school. Being cool has no meaning or significance in the real world. It's a mirage. Be yourself. Your partner should love you for you, not for the image that you portray.

Amy Dunne says it best...

I'm not interested: The follow up

Last year I wrote a post entitled, "Sorry, I'm not interested" where I discuss why we shouldn't resort to lying about our relationship status in order to deter men from getting our numbers. Basically, the point that I was trying to make was that your relationship should not dictate whether or not you give your number out. You should decide that.

You are not spoken for

I also discuss how I tried it out and it totally backfired on me and completely turned me off from the process. I'll admit, I did on occasion use the "I'm taken" line and it obviously made guys back off (except one guy who insisted that "just because there's a goalie, doesn't mean I can't score"--Pfft)

For the most part it worked, but I was getting tired of it. I hated feeling "owned" by someone. I hated the idea of having an "excuse" for not being interested. I was afraid that by saying no, I would be hurting this guy's feeling and so I tried sugarcoating it. However, in the process of it all, I was doing myself a disservice. It deprived me of a voice. Of an opinion. Of a choice.

So what did I do? 

I decided to try it again. 

A really nice dude struck up a conversation with me about cell phones and eventually asked me for my number so that we can go out for coffee sometime. I smiled, thanked him for the offer but told him that I don't give my number out. He persisted, but I held my ground. Eventually, he got the message, wished me a good day and went on his way.

I cannot tell you how empowered I felt. It actually worked and I didn't feel bad about it. I didn't even feel compelled to give him a fake number. If you really think about it, this shows the guy respect too. Imagine giving him a fake number and he goes home only to find out that he's been bamboozled. How would he feel? It takes a lot of courage to ask someone for their number (why do you think I've never done it?!). But, by being honest, you can have a nice, civilized, mature conversation. If he acts like a total jerk about it, then you should be glad that you didn't give him your number because he clearly doesn't deserve it. You did yourself a service by dodging that bullet.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that don't be like me and deprive yourself of a voice. If you're not interested, politely tell him. Prove to yourself that you have confidence in your decision and that you demand respect for your choice. Fake boyfriend or not, you owe yourself that much.

 That is what you should be interested in.

No uterus, no opinion.

I’ve been doing some reading in trying to understand the validity of pre-menstrual syndrome (PMS) and whether or not women are just using it as an excuse for their behaviour.  On one hand, I assume that the hormonal imbalances within women during different stages of their menstrual cycle cause them to act in an irrational manner (though, there has not been any consistent research to support this). However, at the same time, I’ve also been reading about how PMS is a social construct that women have created in order to justify their behaviour. Apparently PMS has only been identified by Western cultures as Eastern cultures barely even acknowledge this as a thing.

This is all so confusing. I want to believe that PMS is real due to bodily changes, but is it also a product of my imagination? I know that a week or so prior to my uterus shedding its lining, I can be quite the emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I just want to lay in bed and cry, then I’m off to raging at someone for being five minutes late, only to be later satisfied by a slice of double chocolate cake with fudge icing and chocolate sprinkles… all in one day. Knowing about my “unstable state”, those that are close to me write me off when I am upset about something.

Why is she not talking to you?

Oh, you know, that time of the month.

Why is she crying during this episode of Modern Family?

Hormones.

You’re upset that I didn’t pick up my phone before four rings?

Ring Ring, must be your period calling.

Sure, when you’re not on your period or lack a uterus, these all sound so silly. But, in the moment, we believe that these are real problems. My take on this whole thing is that PMS is something that only projects or amplifies inner feelings that have not been acknowledged.  Maybe PMS is something that helps us realize that something is upsetting us but we just don’t know the exact cause of it.

Let’s say you’re mad at your boyfriend for not picking up his phone before it hits voicemail. You call him again and he picks up. You’re screaming at him for not picking up the first time and you vow to never call him again. For an outsider looking in, this may seem unreasonable. For you, however, it’s completely justified. But, think about why you got upset. It’s not because he didn’t pick up the phone, but it could be because you believe that he is unavailable to you. You’re feeling neglected. Maybe you feel that he is not prioritizing you. Perhaps you’re jealous that he’s spending time with his friends more than with you. You’re thinking that he doesn’t value the relationship. So here, the issue is not the missed phone call. The issue is deeper than that: you feel that some need has not been met. In this case, you would like for him to be available to you when you’re not feeling your best. You need comfort.  That’s what’s upsetting you. BUT, because everyone knows you’re PMS-ing your behaviour is quickly dismissed and no one bothers to dig deep and understand the feelings behind your reaction.

My advice is this:

MEN: A woman’s behaviour during this special time of the month may seem irrational to you, but to her, it’s very real. Think about why she’s feeling this way. What need is not met? What underlying emotion are you not tapping into?

WOMEN: Ask yourself the same questions. Why are you crying? What about this moment is making you this upset? What emotions are you not tapping into? Can you express this without scarring everyone off?

How can you be taken seriously if you’re kicking and screaming at everyone? Your issues are important but no one is going to recognize that if not packaged nicely.  Before reacting, take a minute to yourself and see if you can let this feeling pass. Take a deep breath and let go of that anger and get in tune with your inner emotions.

…But then again, what do I know? I’m just PMS-ing.

I want a stable guy. Is that wrong?

In the animal kingdom, the male’s role is to impregnate as many females as possible in order to ensure that his genes are passed on to the next generation.  It’s easy for him to do so because it only takes a few minutes for him to get his business done. He’s in and out and on to the next one.

Females, on the other hand, are picky. Having a baby isn’t easy so she has to pick a partner who has good genes and is likely to take care of the offspring with her. The strong, alpha male is usually the one that wins out. Besides, who wouldn’t want the alpha male? He’s strong, smart, has resources, can protect you and can take care of you and his kids. She’s spending all this time and resources in creating his kid, it’s the least he can do.

Now, this works well in the animal kingdom, and it definitely is applicable in human courting patterns too. But, in a time where women are working towards independence and are all “I don’t have to rely on a man”, am I being hypocritical in wanting a man who is stable?

What do I mean by stable?  I need a man who can keep a job, shares similar family values, is ambitious and doesn’t bum around. I want these things, not because I’m trying to mooch off of his gains, but because I want the same things for myself. Being with someone who has these values as I do means that I will always be trying to improve myself as well. But does this mean that I’m using him for my own gain? I want to say no, because at the end of the day, I still love the guy for who he is at the core. I didn’t even think me wanting a stable guy was a bad thing until I overheard a conversation between these two people.

Girl: You never have time for me anymore. You’re always so busy with work and school

Guy: You should have fallen in love with me when I was not doing anything. I would have a lot of time for you. But you chose to fall in love with me when I’m trying to make something out of myself. Not seeing me often comes with the territory of being with me.

Girl: Well, I probably wouldn’t be interested in you if you were bumming around anyway

Guy: Of course not. You wouldn’t find anything to love.

It got me thinking. Would I be interested in my own partner if I thought he was going to be bumming around for the rest of our life together? As bad as it sounds, (or does it?) probably not. It’s unattractive, but it’s not because he’s not bringing home the bacon. It means that no matter how much I love him as a person, if we’re not on the same page in where our values are, then we’re just not going to work out. I can’t value hard work, ambition, confidence and independence for myself and be with someone who doesn’t want the same things for himself.

Anyways, I guess what I’m trying to say here is that there is nothing wrong with you wanting a man with a job. As long as he wakes up every day with a purpose in life. It doesn’t make you a gold digger, a moocher, or any less independent. It just means that you expect the same out of him that you expect from yourself.

And there’s nothing wrong with that…