No uterus, no opinion.

I’ve been doing some reading in trying to understand the validity of pre-menstrual syndrome (PMS) and whether or not women are just using it as an excuse for their behaviour.  On one hand, I assume that the hormonal imbalances within women during different stages of their menstrual cycle cause them to act in an irrational manner (though, there has not been any consistent research to support this). However, at the same time, I’ve also been reading about how PMS is a social construct that women have created in order to justify their behaviour. Apparently PMS has only been identified by Western cultures as Eastern cultures barely even acknowledge this as a thing.

This is all so confusing. I want to believe that PMS is real due to bodily changes, but is it also a product of my imagination? I know that a week or so prior to my uterus shedding its lining, I can be quite the emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I just want to lay in bed and cry, then I’m off to raging at someone for being five minutes late, only to be later satisfied by a slice of double chocolate cake with fudge icing and chocolate sprinkles… all in one day. Knowing about my “unstable state”, those that are close to me write me off when I am upset about something.

Why is she not talking to you?

Oh, you know, that time of the month.

Why is she crying during this episode of Modern Family?

Hormones.

You’re upset that I didn’t pick up my phone before four rings?

Ring Ring, must be your period calling.

Sure, when you’re not on your period or lack a uterus, these all sound so silly. But, in the moment, we believe that these are real problems. My take on this whole thing is that PMS is something that only projects or amplifies inner feelings that have not been acknowledged.  Maybe PMS is something that helps us realize that something is upsetting us but we just don’t know the exact cause of it.

Let’s say you’re mad at your boyfriend for not picking up his phone before it hits voicemail. You call him again and he picks up. You’re screaming at him for not picking up the first time and you vow to never call him again. For an outsider looking in, this may seem unreasonable. For you, however, it’s completely justified. But, think about why you got upset. It’s not because he didn’t pick up the phone, but it could be because you believe that he is unavailable to you. You’re feeling neglected. Maybe you feel that he is not prioritizing you. Perhaps you’re jealous that he’s spending time with his friends more than with you. You’re thinking that he doesn’t value the relationship. So here, the issue is not the missed phone call. The issue is deeper than that: you feel that some need has not been met. In this case, you would like for him to be available to you when you’re not feeling your best. You need comfort.  That’s what’s upsetting you. BUT, because everyone knows you’re PMS-ing your behaviour is quickly dismissed and no one bothers to dig deep and understand the feelings behind your reaction.

My advice is this:

MEN: A woman’s behaviour during this special time of the month may seem irrational to you, but to her, it’s very real. Think about why she’s feeling this way. What need is not met? What underlying emotion are you not tapping into?

WOMEN: Ask yourself the same questions. Why are you crying? What about this moment is making you this upset? What emotions are you not tapping into? Can you express this without scarring everyone off?

How can you be taken seriously if you’re kicking and screaming at everyone? Your issues are important but no one is going to recognize that if not packaged nicely.  Before reacting, take a minute to yourself and see if you can let this feeling pass. Take a deep breath and let go of that anger and get in tune with your inner emotions.

…But then again, what do I know? I’m just PMS-ing.

I want a stable guy. Is that wrong?

In the animal kingdom, the male’s role is to impregnate as many females as possible in order to ensure that his genes are passed on to the next generation.  It’s easy for him to do so because it only takes a few minutes for him to get his business done. He’s in and out and on to the next one.

Females, on the other hand, are picky. Having a baby isn’t easy so she has to pick a partner who has good genes and is likely to take care of the offspring with her. The strong, alpha male is usually the one that wins out. Besides, who wouldn’t want the alpha male? He’s strong, smart, has resources, can protect you and can take care of you and his kids. She’s spending all this time and resources in creating his kid, it’s the least he can do.

Now, this works well in the animal kingdom, and it definitely is applicable in human courting patterns too. But, in a time where women are working towards independence and are all “I don’t have to rely on a man”, am I being hypocritical in wanting a man who is stable?

What do I mean by stable?  I need a man who can keep a job, shares similar family values, is ambitious and doesn’t bum around. I want these things, not because I’m trying to mooch off of his gains, but because I want the same things for myself. Being with someone who has these values as I do means that I will always be trying to improve myself as well. But does this mean that I’m using him for my own gain? I want to say no, because at the end of the day, I still love the guy for who he is at the core. I didn’t even think me wanting a stable guy was a bad thing until I overheard a conversation between these two people.

Girl: You never have time for me anymore. You’re always so busy with work and school

Guy: You should have fallen in love with me when I was not doing anything. I would have a lot of time for you. But you chose to fall in love with me when I’m trying to make something out of myself. Not seeing me often comes with the territory of being with me.

Girl: Well, I probably wouldn’t be interested in you if you were bumming around anyway

Guy: Of course not. You wouldn’t find anything to love.

It got me thinking. Would I be interested in my own partner if I thought he was going to be bumming around for the rest of our life together? As bad as it sounds, (or does it?) probably not. It’s unattractive, but it’s not because he’s not bringing home the bacon. It means that no matter how much I love him as a person, if we’re not on the same page in where our values are, then we’re just not going to work out. I can’t value hard work, ambition, confidence and independence for myself and be with someone who doesn’t want the same things for himself.

Anyways, I guess what I’m trying to say here is that there is nothing wrong with you wanting a man with a job. As long as he wakes up every day with a purpose in life. It doesn’t make you a gold digger, a moocher, or any less independent. It just means that you expect the same out of him that you expect from yourself.

And there’s nothing wrong with that…

Fox River Penitentiary v.s. Litchfield Prison

I'm going to go out on a whim this week and do something different. This week, I'm not going to complain about something because I'm just not feeling it. Instead, I just want to highlight an observation I've made in the last month or so.

So, anyone that's close to me or talks to me on a regular basis must have realized that I've been m.i.a for the past month. It's not that I've been crammed with school and work and it's not like I went on vacation or anything fabulous like that. Instead, I've been locking myself in my room for hours on end binge watching Prison Break. If you haven't already watched the show, you need to drop what you're doing (after reading this post) and start because it.is. AMAZING. It's smart, it's suspenseful, and the characters are just so delicious. But, man oh man, they make jail look so scary. There's an incredible amount of dangerous blackmail, riots, chopped limbs and handmade weapons. You have to be smart to survive. But, this shouldn't come as a surprise, right? Jail is home to hardcore criminals who have murdered, kidnapped, stolen, raped, etc. etc. etc. so it's obvious that jail is a scary place. 

To me though, it was a reality check. Why? Because before I watched Prison Break, I watched Orange is the New Black... and it was nothing like Prison Break. OITNB made jail look like fun! It seemed like one big high school. There were cliques, a hierarchy, fun activities, classes, a TV room..and most importantly, no missing limbs (at least not in the first season. I haven't started the second season to know if things have changed)

Just look at the difference:

Look how serious the PB picture is and how happy the OITNB group is. Would you rather be in at Fox River Penitentiary (Prison Break) or Litchfield Prison (OITNB)? 

The scariest criminal on Prison Break is this dude:

While the character I feared most was Pennsatucky:

Why the drastic difference? I don't know. Is there some hidden sexism in there? Maybe. I can't really take female prison seriously and I get the impression that female criminals aren't that bad anyway. It shoots down the idea that women aren't capable of being tough, even though the population of female prisons grow faster than male prisons. Red, however is my favourite character as she knows how to play the prison game. She's tough, conniving, powerful and instills fear in everyone. She's what everyone needs to be like on the show

To be fair, OITNB was written by a mainly female group of writers and is based on Piper Kerman's memoir, "Orange is the New Black: My Year in a Women's Prison, so there is some credibility to the reality of a female prison. Also, kudos to having a mainly female writing staff and crew. It shows that women have come a long way in making it into a predominantly male industry and are able to come up with edgy material. It's a step in the right direction and it's only a matter of time before we see more women in the industry working behind the scenes. 

Boys Don't Cry

Today I was casually going through my Facebook homefeed and I came across this caption that said "Boys Don't Cry", so naturally I was intrigued. The video was created by Vogue India and based on the title, "#StartWithTheBoys", I assumed that this video aimed to show the cultural bias in which boys are taught at a young age that they shouldn't cry.

And for the most part, I thought that they depicted it well...

Here we are shown the life of a young Indian man as he goes through his life learning that boy's don't cry. At this point, I was getting excited because I thought that the goal of the video was to show that there's nothing wrong with crying. 

Finally, a video that speaks about masculinity issues

My imagination jumped ahead and I was looking forward to the last scene in which I assumed that the young man would grow up to be a father and he would hold his baby boy in his arms and tell him that it was OK to cry. He would teach the young boy that there's nothing wrong with crying, regardless of gender. But then the video moves into this scene:

Here, we see an emotionless man (who resembles an Indian Edward Cullen, am I right?) who has just battered his partner. Okay.... so what I interpret from this scene is that raising boys to think that it's not OK to cry leads to violence. And then here's the kicker...

THAT'S HOW THEY CHOSE TO END THIS VIDEO?!

Here's what I have a problem with:

1) All boys/men cry and that's OK. If you're a guy and you're reading this, don't pretend that you don't. Boys shouldn't be told not to cry. Enforcing this social "norm" is oppressive. It's telling society that if you are a boy, you're not supposed to express your emotions and that there's nothing manly about it. This video did not even speak about that. 

2) The video remarks that "only girls cry." So? Is that a bad thing? I can't believe that a video aimed at protecting women also implies girls as a negative connotation.

3) What does a man not being able to cry have to do with domestic abuse? Does that mean that all cryers don't abuse their partners?  I get that men who don't cry are usually rigid, but there are also many reasons why men abuse their partners. This usually comes from a need for power and control, which stems from low self-esteem. Although the societal rule that boys don't cry is a contributing factor, it's not the factor. 

4) Men are not responsible for my happiness. I'm responsible for my happiness. If a man is abusing me, I'm out of there. Sure, it's easier said than done in some cases, but still. How about teaching all children how to treat others? Why is it that we have to teach boys how to treat girls? Wouldn't it be more fruitful if we taught our children to treat everyone with respect and dignity? What does gender have to do with it? End of the day, we're all human.

I appreciate Vogue India for continuing the discussion of domestic violence, but I think they went about it all wrong. I genuinely thought that this video was aimed at eradicating the idea that a manly man does not cry and so I was disappointed with how the video ended.

If Justin Timberlake is able to Cry a River after his break up with Britney, I don't see why you can't either.. and yet, that man is still damn fine. 

The NO NO List

Every so often I run into a newly broken up individual who is at wits end with the dating game. At this point, they're ready to give up on relationships all together and wonder why none of their relationships ever work out. This is where I introduce to them the no-no list. Now, I'm not saying that I'm a love guru or anything, but I do know a thing or two about relationships [Five years and counting ;) ]

I've never really been in the dating game because my partner and I have been together since my teenage years, but I think that I got it right the first time around because I knew what I wanted in a man... and what I didn't want. This idea of what I don't want in a man is what I call the NO NO list.

The NO NO list is a list of characteristics that I absolutely will not tolerate in my man. If the guy I am dating shows me any one of these traits and it cannot be changed, I won't even hesitate to press that reject button. 

Everyone's NO NO list is different, depending on your values and needs. Here's mine:

1. Arrogance. [Not to be confused with confidence.]Men who think they are such a big deal without any reason is an automatic NO NO. Are you reaping the benefits of your parents' money and pretending like it's yours? Are you putting on the tough guy act pretending like you beat up guys who talk smack? Do you show off EVERY SINGLE ACCOMPLISHMENT? NEXT.
2. Men who don't know the difference between there, their and they're (or commit any other simple grammatical faux pas). So let's say I'm texting a guy I'm interested in and he repeatedly shows me that he doesn't know how to use the three.What a turn off. It shows me that you a) probably don't read a lot b) don't value the education that you have and c) haven't tried to learn the difference. I make exceptions for those who are new to the country and are still learning English. But, if you've been in Canada for the majority of your life and have gone through formal education, I don't see why you don't know the difference.
3. Guys who refer to their girlfriends as their bitches. How rude. This is your girlfriend we're talking about, have a little respect. You're supposed to love and care for her. Is that what you would call your mother? A man who doesn't respect women is not husband material.
4. Guys who can't hold an intelligent conversation/debate with me. I don't care how hot you are, if you can't talk to me about something profound or remotely interesting that doesn't challenge my way of thinking, move on. What's sexy is a man who can stump me and make me say, "you got me." and just shut me up. However, with that said, if you prove your point and act like an ass about it and rub it in my face.. see number 1.
5. A know-it-all. I knew this one guy who had a rebuttal for literally anything I said. I found him to be attractive in the first place because he seemed really intelligent and ambitious and was always adding to my repertoire of knowledge. However, when it came time for me to share my knowledge or opinion, he always found something wrong with it. I'm entitled to my opinion, jerk. How do you have a conversation with someone like that? Glad I dodged that bullet. 
6. Guys who only talk about themselves. I went to coffee with a male friend of mine and in the time we were conversing over our fraps, I wanted to shoot myself. He would spend 15 minutes straight talking about himself (and this is not even an exaggeration), ask about me, completely ignore what I had to say and then continue talking about himself. Why am I even here? You might as well talk to a wall and get the same reaction. Needless to say, that was the last time we went for coffee. 

For all those who are finding that they're having a bit of bad luck in the dating scene and can't seem to find the right kind of person, I encourage you to make your own NO NO list. It helps with the filtering process and saves you a lot of time and heartbreak. Date smarter, people!